Title: Cullenary Education Forks Sex Ed
Chapter Number: 3
Chapter Title: Dr. Carlisle Condom
Chapter POV: Carlisle Cullen
Word Count: 2,618
Summary: At the end of Bella's Junior year, hilarity ensues when the Forks Gang is forced to endure Sex Education class with Coach Clapp.
Warnings: crude humor and overall frivolity
Disclaimer: Twilight and Characters are intellectual property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N: Tragically, I still do not own Twilight, New Moon, or any of these fantastic characters. Stephenie Meyer still owns them, and is still hiding them from me. cries
Another ocean of thanks goes out to ECABS and UnicornGoddess95 for their fantastic beta reading, and for brainstorming ideas with me at all hours of the night! This chapter would have been completely impossible without several 2AM “OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF…”chat sessions. Thanks again girls!
Finally to everyone who has read and reviewed this story: Thank you! I’m a bit overwhelmed that it seems to be so popular, as I was mostly doing it for my own personal enjoyment! Keep those reviews coming, and I will keep adding chapters as long as there is an interest! And for those who keep asking, be patient! Edwards POV is coming, but as it promises to be the funniest, I am saving it for last!
Catastrophe for Carlisle
“Are they very upset?” I formed the words only in my mind. I did not need to give them voice for him to hear me.
Across the gym I saw Edward, my first and favorite son, tilt his head sideways and shrug lightly. It was a non-answer; one that I took as a yes. Edward was only being tactful. He shrugged again, hearing these last thoughts, and not denying them.
Apparently, neither Edward nor Alice had warned Emmett and Rosalie about my obligation here today. It was my day off. I should be at home with Esme, relishing time alone with the most beautiful creature God has ever made. I wanted to be home with Esme, but I had not been given much of a choice.
Coach Clapp called me early in the morning. The obstetrician he was expecting would be delivering a baby instead of a speech. If I did not come and give the lecture, Coach Clapp was going to resort to calling in a midwife. I decided on the spot that it would be better for me to dispense medical knowledge and birth control options than to have a midwife romanticizing the natural glory of childbirth. Rosalie would not have taken it well.
I had only been speaking for a few minutes when Coach Clapp signaled to me and pointed first at his watch and then to his stomach.
“But allow us to continue this conversation after lunch.” Chairs screeched across the wooden floor as several of the students rose quickly to their feet.
“Wait!” Coach Clapp yelled over the noise. “On your way out you will notice post-it notes and pens. Please take them with you to lunch and write down any questions that you are too embarrassed to ask aloud. When we return to the gym there will be a box for you to put them in by the door. Don’t put your name on the paper if you wish to remain anonymous.”
Fabulous. I was going to have to answer specific questions. I had planned to stick to a relatively safe script. This could be trouble. Rosalie looked up at me with a smug expression, which I assumed meant she was planning some sort of prank. Emmett’s goofy smile confirmed my suspicion. Just Great.
Most of the humans were vacating the gym swiftly, but my family members and Bella made no move to leave. I hoped to avoid a confrontation. Edward gave me an assuring smile and nodded his head. Bella looked over at him, exasperated. I knew firsthand how irritating Edwards’s silent communications with others could be. His talent was a blessing and curse for us all.
Slowly Edward helped Bella to her feet—or more appropriately, her foot—and all but carried her to the front of the gym. Alice and Jasper followed silently after them.
“Aren’t you going to congratulate Emmett?" A haughty smirk formed on Edward’s lips.
“Okay.” I sighed. “I’ll bite. What am I congratulating him for?”
They all laughed and Bella’s face blushed crimson.
“For defeating Mike Newton and winning that.” Edward gestured to a wheelbarrow in the corner of the room. It was filled with condoms.
“I get to keep those?” Emmett was giddy. “Are you sure? Clapp didn’t say that!”
Edward pointed to his forehead. “Maybe not where you could hear. But yes, they are the spoils of your victory.”
“Awesome!” Emmett beamed.
“Yes. Well, excuse us, but I need to get Bella to the cafeteria.”
“I’m not hungry.” Bella was lying. Her growling stomach betrayed her.
Edward looked from Bella to Jasper and smiled. “Yes you are, Bella. Everyone in this room was starving thanks to Jasper. I doubt the cafeteria has enough food on hand to satisfy the lot of them.”
“No.” She looked down at her cast. “I don’t want to go to the cafeteria. Everyone will already be in there.”
I did not understand Edward’s comment about Jasper making everyone hungry, but I did understand what Bella meant. For someone of Bella’s natural grace, it would be like making an on stage debut when you were likely to fall off of said stage.
“Then at least allow me to get you something to eat and bring it back here.” Edward would not be deterred, and Bella knew it.
“Fine.” She allowed him to help her into a seat on the front row beside Emmett and watched as he headed out the door.
“Wait, Edward!” Alice called after him. “Bella won’t find that funny.”
Edward didn’t slow or even acknowledge that Alice had spoken.
Bella rolled her eyes. “What wouldn’t I find funny?”
“He was going to bring you a banana.” They all laughed then, even Rosalie.
“Does anyone care to tell me what is so humorous?" I questioned.
Alice wove me a tale of epic proportions. I heard of Edward nearly killing Mike Newton, and then of Mike, Emmett, and the bananas. I heard far more than I wished about a child named Eric and a Dungeons and Dragons Compendium. I remembered him leaving the gym when I first walked in. He had not returned before lunch, and now I hoped that he would not return at all. She finished with a tale of Rosalie seducing the dragon boy one monster at a time, and torturing a couple that thought they were pregnant.
“It sounds like you’ve had an interesting day.” I addressed them all.
“The day is only beginning to get interesting for you.” Edward breezed back into the gym with a tray of food--but no banana--for Bella. “I heard their thoughts in there. They are coming up with some unusual questions for you, daring each other and betting to see who can come up with the most scandalous topic.”
“Fabulous.” I sighed. “How do I get roped into these things?”
“You know what…” Rosalie’s voice was mocking. “I think I just might have a few questions for the good Doctor, myself.” She was out of her chair and standing beside the “questions” box in the blink of a human eye.
“He won’t answer that!” Alice and Edward chimed in unison.
“Great. The omniscient duo strikes again.” Annoyance played in Rosalie’s eyes. “Couldn’t the two of you chill with that, if only for a moment? It is really irritating.”
“Not as irritating as having to listen to your thoughts.” Edward shot back.
Everyone but Rosalie laughed, but the mirth was cut short when the gym door flung open, and a pale boy with greasy hair stumbled in. I recognized him as Eric Yorkie, and cringed at the thought of where he had just been.
“Oh. Sorry. Just putting this in the box.” He pulled a little yellow post it note out of a page in his Monster Compendium and dropped it into the cardboard box, then turned and stalked off in the direction of the cafeteria.
Edward was visibly shaking with laughter.
“What?” Bella asked, eyes wide.
“Well, I suppose you win after all, Rosalie. Eric just submitted the very question you were planning to originally, and since it’s from a student, Carlisle will have to answer it.”
“I’ve got another question, anyway.” She scribbled something onto a post it note and dropped it into the box. Emmett wrapped one arm around her waist, writing a note of his own with his free hand, and then adding it to hers.
Emmett turned to Edward. “So what did you hear in the lunchroom, anyway?”
The right side of Edward’s mouth turned up into a grin. “Well, at least two of the girls are asking Carlisle to Prom. One is asking how old he was when he lost his virginity, another is asking how often he and Esme ‘do the deed,’ and several more are asking him to ‘play doctor’ with them.”
Bella giggled and inhaled sharply, choking on the bite of pizza in her mouth.
In a flash, Edward had her in a standing position, and I moved behind her and performed the Heimlich maneuver. The bit of pizza dislodged from her throat and landed with a thud on the gym floor.
“Ew.” Rosalie mumbled.
“Sorry.” Bella’s face was red again. “Idiot.” She chided herself.
“Hey, Edward. Why didn’t you perform the Hind Lick maneuver on her yourself?” Emmett quipped.
Edward growled. “Very amusing, Emmett.”
“Please stop.” Alice laughed. “I would rather not ‘see’ any ‘Hind Licking’ thank you very much.”
No one else had a chance to join in the laughter. The student body, led by Eric Yorkie, was stampeding back into the gym. It was an ocean of little yellow post it notes. I resigned myself to what was certain to be one of the longest hours of my undead life.
Alice and Jasper headed back to their seats in the rear of the gym, but Edward swiftly discarded Bella’s tray and sat down next to her in the front row. I supposed she would make less of a spectacle of herself by sitting still, even if she was much more visible now than in the previous seating arrangement.
The teenagers wore expressions that varied from nervousness to excitement to anticipation. A pretty blonde looked like she might be sick soon, and I wondered if she was the girl who was expecting to be expecting.
When everyone was seated, Coach Clapp brought the cardboard box up and set it next to the microphone.
“If you want to go ahead and start with the questions, then you can cover anything that doesn’t get asked at the end.”
“That sounds fine.” I replied, although it most certainly did not sound fine. I felt a wave of calm spread through the room, and my eyes searched out Jasper. He was smiling innocently at me. The story about the games he had played with his abilities earlier was still fresh in my mind. I hoped he was not planning an encore.
I reached my hand into the box, pulled out one of the dratted yellow pages, and read it silently.
My girl thinks she’s pregnant, but we used a condom every time. They’d been in my closet for a few years though. They don’t, like, expire, do they?
“Our first question is about the durability of condoms over time, as to whether or not they have an expiration date.”
I immediately sensed the change in heartbeat and breathing patterns that gave away the identity of the boy who wrote this particular question. He was sitting next to the pretty blonde I had noticed earlier. I could tell by her heartbeat and breathing patterns that she was not pregnant. Even at the earliest stages, an implanted embryo changes the rhythms of a woman’s body perceptively. Well, perceptively for one such as myself.
I explained briefly about expiration dates and about the adverse effects of extreme heat or cold on the latex. I could tell my statement worried the boy, but that was good. They obviously were not ready to become parents, so scaring them a little couldn’t hurt.
I did not answer the next question that I pulled from the box.
How big are most men compared to a banana? Because Emmett Cullen’s banana was HUGE. I’m sure that was the biggest banana I have ever seen.
It was written in Emmett’s loopy scrawl. Hearing my thoughts, Edward shook with glee. He reached his fist across Bella’s body to smack it against Emmett’s.
“Nice.” He whispered.
Emmett nodded his head and grinned.
I reached my hand back into the pit of vipers, and pulled out another question. This one was only slightly less absurd than Emmett’s joke, but it was for real.
Will stroking my dragon really make me go blind, or is that just what my Gran wants me to think?
“It’s a good thing you don’t need to breathe.” I sent the thought to Edward. He was almost beside himself with laughter.
With the irritation hidden from my voice, I answered the question.
“No. There are no adverse effects. Those are simply myths propagated by earlier generations to promote the ideal of purity in that era.” I missed that era right about now. In my day and time, no self-respecting young man would have posed a question about ‘stroking his dragon.’ I did not want to continue, but my duty as a Doctor outweighed my desire to keep silent.
“In fact, it is a much safer alternative to sexual relations with a partner in a non-committed relationship. You need not worry about disease or pregnancy when you are acting alone.” Dear God. Had I just said that?
Edward was not laughing alone now. All present members of my family were in near hysterics, and Bella had buried her face in her hands.
I was shocked beyond belief when Eric Yorkie stood from his seat, grabbed his Monster Compendium, and headed for the bathroom again. I guessed this was a celebration that his eyesight wouldn’t be suffering after all. What was wrong with this kid?
A disgusted look crossed Edward’s face as he watched Eric leave and I was glad I could not hear what was going through that bizarre mind.
“At least he has a sex life, even if it is solitary.” I thought for Edward’s sake. He glared at me in response.
Edward had been right. The next question I pulled from the box was indeed one about my own sexual habits with my wife. I did not read it aloud, but announced that I would not be answering any questions of a personal nature. There were only a few queries in the box that were not about me. Over the next few minutes I covered a slew of topics dealing with the technical loss of virginity, the proper time of day to take a birth control pill, and heaven help me, how to measure yourself to know the appropriate condom size required. Overall, the burning fires of being changed into a vampire were less torturous than the afternoon had been. But it was finally coming to an end.
Coach Clapp walked up beside me and leaned into the microphone.
“Everyone, please show your appreciation to Doctor Carlisle Condom for taking the time out of his busy schedule to come and speak with us today.”
The room fell silent. The humans were making no noise at all, staring blankly at Coach Clapp, who apparently had not realized his slip of the tongue.
Fabulous. I thought again. My family was going to call me Dr. Carlisle Condom for the next hundred years.
Finally, a few students started laughing. A blonde boy sitting behind Bella said “Yes. Thanks a lot Doctor Condom.”
Emmett and Edward both turned around to glare at him, but Rosalie attacked first.
“Don’t mind Mike. He’s clearly suffering from banana envy.”
Cullenary Education Chapter Four